Tag: anger

Dealing With An Angry Person (Part 1 of 2)

Hard, but harder to ignore it

Everyone is periodically faced with an angry person, and can be challenging to deal with. I’d like to share a few ideas in how to react to another’s anger. Be it a spouse, a friend, or even a stranger. Some of these will also apply if you are angry yourself. Of course is something to avoid in the first place.

Listen

Let the person vent a little, and get their words and feelings out. If you interrupt them too quickly to defend yourself, it’s going to just make things worse. Wait for them to finish or for a pause. Being a good listener is an important skill in many other situations also.

A good technique for listening is to ask questions. It not only helps you understand them better, but shows them you truly care to understand.

Stay Calm

Don’t go into anger mode yourself, it just compounds the situation. Just remind yourself that anger is unlikely to accomplish anything good, so why do it.

Validate

Validate their anger, do not just dismiss their emotions just because you feel it’s unjustified. The fact is that they feel this way. You will help the situation by accepting and acknowledging the way they feel.

Let them know by saying “I see that you’re really upset with me and am sorry this had to happen”.

Take Responsibility

Don’t let you ego assume that you are totally without fault in their anger. You may not be fully aware of how you come across or what you did. Just accept that your actions could have been responsible, regardless of whether the actions were justified.

Find things that you can freely admit you were in error about. This may help resolve the other person’s anger.

Time-Out

If possible, take a time-out, and let the other person cool down. Trying to debate the situation immediately will often make it worse.

Give some time to settle down, and then discuss it if necessary. People will require different amounts of time to release their initial anger, so be adaptive to their needs.

 

Continue reading:

Dealing With An Angry Person (Part 2 of 2)

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Live Abundantly (Part 2 of 2)

Do not dare to miss the first part.

 

Continuation:

 

Resentment, jealousy, envy and self-pity interfere with the free-flow of abundance

If you are jealous or envious of someone, it implies that what they have is not available for you to have also.

If you find it difficult to let go of these feelings, Bach flower remedies may help. Try the remedy ‘willow’ to counteract resentment and self-pity, or try ‘holly’ for envy, jealousy and greed.

Forgiving those that have wronged you is part of living abundantly

Holding on to your anger, justifiable it may seem, keeps you stuck in the past. I prevents you going forward into a better future.

If it’s difficult to let go of your negative feelings, try writing a letter expressing all your anger, hurt or envy. Write until you can write no more, and then burn it.

Being able to receive from other people

Being able to receive is healthy, but many people find it difficult. You may need to practice receiving. Think of the pleasure you get in giving. By not receiving generously you are denying other people the pleasure of giving.

Realize that in general ‘good luck’ plays a very small part in people’s life

If you put your faith in good luck, then you have to accept the possibility of bad luck too. People who put their faith in ‘good luck’ often spend their lives waiting for things to happen. People who don’t believe in luck go out and make things happen.

Believing that there is enough money, food, love, etc.

The world is enough to meet everyone’s needs to live abundantly. It can be very hard to believe when faced with war and starvation in the news.

The truth is, a lot of this anger and need is because people who have do not believe they have enough.  They substitute money and food for all the other abundance of life.

Do your part to correct that imbalance and start living a life that recognizes there are inequalities and shortages. Rather, we can correct that so we all have what we need.

 

— end —

Healing Abandonment & Abuse through Awareness (Part 2 of 2)

Do not miss out the first part.

 

Continuation:

When the abandoned child is feeling its pain and loss, the rest of the adult person is unable to find emotional balance. New skills are needed to help sort out the confusion, and to create new, healthier patterns.

Part of the healing may include grieving and anger, as those repressed feelings are released. But it is equally important to look at strengths: how well you are doing and what you want to contribute to the world as well as the positive side of parents and caretakers. Most people do the best they can.

Healing is a process of peeling the onion, so to speak. Revealing one layer after another, with time for rest and integration, leads to inner peace, resolution, and forgiveness.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Write about parallels between the past and the present. Become more aware of old patterns finding their way into your current life.

2. List all the ways you feel you were abandoned. Don’t worry if the list doesn’t make logical sense or is too long or short. Just write what you feel and remember.

3. Look at photographs of you and your family from those time periods as a way to help you remember details. Becoming more aware of the past can help you sort issues in the present.

4. Write an “unsent letter”—do not send it!—to your mother, telling her all the ways you appreciated her.
5. Now write an “unsent letter” listing the ways she let you down. DO NOT send unsent letters in the exercise—these are just ways for you to help yourself to heal.

Do the same for your father.

1. Write about your intentions for today, this week—what do you want to change? What are you goals in your life now?

2. What are you doing well now, and how is it different and better than what you or your family might have done in the past?

3. What are your strengths? Name 10 things your friends would say are your best traits.

4. Write about how you are your best friend. How you take care of yourself and like yourself.

 

— end —

 

Healing Abandonment & Abuse through Awareness (Part 1 of 2)

 

Many people I work with in therapy or in my writing-as-healing classes discover stories that surprise them—stories about the mistakes they felt their parents made, power imbalances in the family, or stories about physical or sexual abuse.

The darker stories are often a surprise. When writers sat down to write, those issues were not directly on their minds, but deep, revealing stories erupted from the pen. Though they were unexpected, for some they were a relief.

People who have been in therapy have had the same kind of experience—the subject matter in the forefront of the mind is not the material that “accidentally” arises during the session.

The therapy session begins with a particular subject in the present—for example dissatisfaction at work or trouble in a relationship, but often travels back in time with associations to parents, school, or past relationships.

It has become a cliché to talk about “dysfunctional” relationships and families, but most people do not have perfect families, and many have had to struggle with a range of problems—alcoholism, abuse—physical, sexual, or emotional, eating disorders, and depression, to name a few.

No one likes to be reminded of the past but when it keeps coming up, we are pushed to learn new responses as we search for more peace and positivism in our lives.

 

The past is not dead—it’s not even past.

-William Faulkner

Different kinds of abandonment

For people who have been abandoned, either literally by actual physical absence, or emotionally. A parent can be in the home and not there for us. The abandoned child syndrome may remain years later, showing up through insecurities and fears. Clinging behaviors or its opposite—walls to intimacy.

The abandoned child inside the adult can create havoc such as alcohol abuse, repeating their own abandonment by abandoning children, or refusal to have children out of fear of repetition. Depression, lack of energy and creativity, anger, and trying to fill up the emptiness may be manifestations of these issues.

 

Continue reading the last part.